3am post

The constant wandering mind never lets me sleep at this wee hour. It’s fuzzy. It has become so difficult to focus. There is something in the back of my mind. Most of it is trivial, nothing which I can change or something which I can not control. Gibberish talks, nervous talks, random blabber, foot in mouth etc. Seeking attention, taking unnecessary advice, undue stress over small issues.

Being not as efficient as I should be. Awkward. Unsure. Eccentric. That’s what I have become or was I like this before, I wonder.

But, all of it doesn’t matter if I perform. My aim is to reach my goals. I have to separate my heart and mind, and divert my energy effectively.

Practice mindfullness

meet deadlines

take a deep breath and watch your breath

it’s all about kicking the beast’s ass

Don’t let your mind become the hurdle in reaching your goal

Watch your thoughts!

Breath!

Focus!

All is well.

Tc

Care me not

Not that I am scared of being scarred
I am afraid of getting used to being cared.

You always had me in your thoughts,
While I held someone else in my thoughts.

I am so afraid of getting used to affection,
That I pursued those who treated me like option.

You asked me if I ever felt lonely or had a company,
I preferred them over you though I was lonely in their company.

May be I am afraid that I will get used to your attention.
Or may be their indifference makes your caring more affectionate.

It’s weird that I check my phone
Inbox to see if had a message from them.
And, there awaits one from you.

I wonder what pushes you to be so persistent.
While they don’t even care if I still exist.

Indeed life is weird, it’s like a dog chasing cars.
You go behind the running car which you can never catch hold of;
And, piss on those which are waiting beside you.

Post-makeout sickness

Having never exchanged a drop of saliva from another person, the makeout from past week took a toll on me. Let me tell you there was lot tongue action involved 😉 It felt like I got shots of multiple vaccines at the same time. Pardon, the medico in me won’t stop thinking in such direction.

The high alcohol, too much saliva and lack of hydration got me really sick the day after we made out. Damn! What was I thinking. H-bear(that’s his nick name) says I was really naughty and passionate while I kissed and didn’t seem like a first time kisser. I would blame it on the pent up sexual frustration. I was so drunk that, it went from make out session to he giving me head.

It’s been exactly a week for today I am down with sore throat, body ache and hip pain. He is big man, around 6 feet, and to straddle is bit difficult as I am just over 5 feet. And, he wouldn’t let my legs down while he gave me head lol. That’s I believe is the reason for my low back pain. While I was sick the whole week, missing work and classes H-bear got me hot milk tea from tea house. The sweetest thing anybody as done. And, the bear hugs are really warm. We hung out for a while in my apartment before I walked him to the parking lot and he left after giving a peck on my forehead. Sweet!

I don’t know if this sickness is a turn off and we have decided to stop getting physical for sometime. I had to cancel my date with him today, as he was not sure if I have recovered enough for another outing and after events. I was kind of let down, I think may be he doesn’t want me to meet his friends when I am in bad shape with broken voice. He is right, I still have fatigue and am tired. Yeah, I think it is good for me too, so that I rest enough.

We text each other like before, nothing has changed much.but, his texts are more open, he shared a half naked picture of him and talks naughty more often. He won’t stop inkling on getting into bed together. In my sane senses, read alcohol free, I am not sure if I am up for it. A part of me is curious and want to do more than making out but a part of me is not sure and wants to wait. Probably, it is the way we are brought up in India. I am not against the pre-marital sex. But, I think getting physical only makes us more attached when I am not completely sure if we get along well and are compatible. Though from Asia, he is more American ie. boastful, flirtatious and very open, while I am bit shy, awkward and won’t talk about my feelings much.this difference in personality traits has already lead to arguments among us.

Well, I have so many things in my life to do at present. I have school, tests, assignments, licensing exam and try to build my profile by involving in research activities. So, dating will take more time from me. Then, there is a void of not having someone special, some one to talk to and explore till now. Now, I seem to have chance to ful that physical and emotional void. It’s not just H-bear, I have spoken to two more men in past 2 months. I have had good conversation with these two men, but haven’t got physical. Only H-bear would dare to get me out of my comfort zone and got me sick eventually. American you see. Good punishment for making out for the first time huh.

Well, after long week with sickness, dropping out from going on date and being distracted like never before. I need to really prioritize things in my life. First, get well soon. Second, make things clear to H-bear where out friendship is heading and make sure I am not lost in the process by neglecting my school and work. Third, get back to studies and meet the deadlines.

For now, let me make a hot ginger tea to soothe my itchy throat. Have a great weekend folks

How I stole my first kiss?

Whenever someone asked me what was your first kiss like? There would be awkward silence and I would blurt ‘I never really kissed someone’ or ‘I never got the chance too’. People would never believe me. At 26 years, they thought I am some kind of nun, or asexual. Such instances only made me think and rethink about ‘what’s wrong with me?’ Am I not giving right signals to guys? Or do I distance myself from prospective right guys?

Well, now I have an answer for that question. You know what? I didn’t do it on purpose or plan to do it. Neither because I was fed up of people’s questions nor I was desperate act (26 years I didn’t do it, I very well was waiting for the right moment).

You know, being an Indian girl in the foreign country even these westerners are reluctant to make a move. They don’t want to offend us Desi girls. So, I had to be proactive.

I would hangout with one of my Asian-American friend past 6 months ie. from 1st few weeks of my classes in the fall semester. He seemed to be interested and we would constantly text to each other until past 1 month. Thats where we had minor tiffs and arguments and stopped speaking. I really missed our conversations or, I don’t know if I missed him more. So, some one had to take the 1st step and I texted him. After talking things out we were back together to being friends. May be I wanted to explore our relationship and see where it goes as I know him well anyone else in this country. Does it sound like I am into him ? Hmm, may be. He is bit chubby for my standards but he has lady like hands, way more open and touchy than what I am. And, I like it because I don’t have any of those qualities.

Yesterday night he invited me to hangout at a bar with his friends. I have social anxiety but I gathered courage and said yes. It was fun group and got drunk over cider, vodka and fire-ball. That’s quite some cocktail isn’t it? I thought I could handle it but I was so drunk that he had to handle me. LO. Me , him and his friends took a stroll from the bar to get some kimchi fries.

I walked on the streets of Houston holding a guys hand. This was my first time holding a guys hand in public. Well there not many spectators, that kept my anxiety at bay. As we waited for some fries, I was so stoned I had to lean against his chest while he rested his chin over my head. Yeah, I am like 5.1 and he towers me by a foot easily. I found it cute. And, by then I was getting comfortable to his advances. After, we grabbed our fries and chattered with friends. We all took our separate ways. Me and him went back to bar to get his debit card, which he accidentally left there.

I wanted to pee and headed to the rest room. While I was coming out one of his friends said he was looking for me. He was sitting by a table and waiting. I spotted him, walked up to him and sat on his lap. Then we decided to head back home. Before getting up, I just turned to him and stole a kiss. That is officially my first kiss! It was so spontaneous that it happened like any casual gesture. Until he texted me describing what I did and it is going to be his one of his favorite memories. That was the sweetest of words I heard today after the crazy yesterday night which were driving me crazy.

It will go into my favorite memories too. A lot of things after we drove back to my apartment. We kissed for over 15 minutes (seemed like I was hungry) and them made out. Well, dirty minds! No, we didn’t do hanky panky.boo. But, there was some tongue involved. Well, that bars it from calling it a making out, is it? Hehe

I am not sure where our relationship heads in future. For now, At the least I know that I am a great kisser and spontaneous, which is a new thing I discovered about myself. And, I have a story to tell about my first kiss.

The hangover from yesterday night’s alcohol and our make out session is wearing off. The memories linger in my mind. I need to concentrate on my studies, but I can’t stop blushing thinking about the last night. I don’t know if I can handle this, because I consciously stopped myself from getting into relationship as I don’t want to end up getting hurt. I don’t know if I am a game for it. Sometimes, I feel it is better to indulge than die out of curiosity, isn’t it? They say magic happens outside ones comfort zone. I just crossed mine. Will I be able to cross it more often? This was a big leap for me from being called nun to indulging to my sex drive. Only time will tell.

So, guys what was your first kiss like? What’s one of your favorite memorie? Do share. I look forward to reading them in

In my dream

I leaned on his chest,
Let my head rest.
The faint noise of his breath
My forehead soothed by his warmth.

Feeling his heartbeat,
I took a deep breath.
This is the bet place on earth,
I thought and closed my eyes.

Then I slipped into my dreamland,
Where my world was perfect.
So calm and peaceful,
Everything more than beautiful.

Waves of the ocean, washed by
Our feet. Sun shined bright in the sky
I squint and look at his innocent eyes
My heart flutters with happiness.

The sound of the sea and warmth of his body, felt like its my haven.
I knew that could only be a dream,
Coz it was like a bubble on the water.

Normal is me, outlier he is.
I am happy seeing in my dream.
Don’t cry over grapes up high,
Call them bitter and move on.

– V

Are you capable of falling in love?

Are you capable of falling in love?
Asked me no one.
No one until today.
Before he knew if I ever loved
He asked me I could ever love
He hit it right
He hit it hard

I asked what he thought?
Does he read my mind
Or, is he my shrink.
He knew nothing about me
But he knew I never loved
He hit it right
He hit it hard

Says, I am not mature
I don’t know how to flirt
My jaw drops
At his sharp response.
I was intrigued
He hit it right
He hit it hard

What I had been denying to know
What I didn’t want to realize
Was told to me by him,
Who knew nothing about me.
I was mad, I was taken aback
He hit it right
He hit it hard

I gather courage , hissed at him
Flirting is no fun
I am just the way I am I can’t pretend
Asks me to correct him if he was wrong. But he I think he was correct
He hit it right
He hit it hard

My worst fear is being unable
To fall in love. And, here I am
Facing the question I wanted
not to answer
It slashed me inside out.
He hit it right
He hit it hard

I lost it before I found it
I am hopeless before I try
I gave up before I lost
We parted before we dated
He hit it right
He hit it hard
I am crushed before I am broken.

Mindless musing

I look back at what I had-
The life I chose to leave behind.
Memories of my lovely life,
flood in front of my eyes.

The days spent as mamma’s loving kid,
the fights I had with my dad.
My granny’s toothless grin,
her eagerness to look over at my computer screen.
The endless talks with my best friend,
impromptu meet ups and window shopping.
Will I get back these loving moments,
I wonder.

Delicious home food served right
in my plate, but I was too lazy to eat.
Clean laundry, done dishes,
swept and tidy rooms are a past.
Now, I wake up, walk into kitchen,
clueless what to eat and stare at dirty dishes.
Will I get back those carefree days,
I wonder.

I write these words from another place,
distant from people whom I called my life.
Everyday, I tell myself I don’t miss them
or what I left behind. But, in vain.
I look at myself in the mirror, I smile and
try not to notice the sinking eyes.
Will I get over these feelings and move on,
I wonder.

Is it the void? Is it that I am lonely?
or have I not set my priorities right?
Should I listen to my heart or my mind?
or Is it not as complicated as it appears?
May be I should give people more time
or try to enjoy my own company.
Will I get answers to my queries,
I wonder.

Then, I came here to be what I dreamt to be.
To be on my own, to follow my goals.
These are the tough times and I will
get through it, stronger and better.
I tell myself, this too shall pass.
Tomorrow, the sun will shine brighter
and I shall too.